Budding artist

This is Number One by jackson Pollock. An amazing work of art. Baiscally what my TV screen looks like. Except its smudgy finger prints of PB n J. Normally I’d be upset but it just might be my girls inner artist coming forth.

 

Twins are the new black

I’ve gone on at length about having twins. Probably because I have them. Twins. The thing I always said i didn’t want.  And then we had them. And I wouldn’t change it for anything. Some might say having kids is tough work. Sure, but I find the rewards far outweigh the difficulties. The lack of sleep, times two. The temper tantrums, times two. The shitty diapers, times… a million. I think in the past year and a half-ish I have probably changed over a thousand diapers. At one point I was actually counting just so I could one day throw that back in their faces when they are thankless teenagers who only care if I add more minutes to their mobile phones.

I have spoken before of people stopping me on the street at the sight of my twin girls. It’s the social shrapnel I am to endure until they are.. well, I guess until they are moved out and living with some guy with purple hair and a pierced ass named “Diesle.” I was planning on going on at length in this post of some of the moronic things people have said to me on a day to day basis, but then this clip was brought to my attention. I think it speaks volumes of the joys of having multiples and is exactly how I wish I could react… minus the afro and the lime green tube top of course.

Wood is Good!


What the eff happened to toys? When did we start living in this plastic world? I for one am glad to see the renaissance of the classic wooden toy. Not only are they environmentally friendly, but more importantly they aren’t full of Chinese lead.  Nuff said.

Naked Truth

Well it finally happened. Someone saw me naked and laughed while pointing. Unfortunately it was one of my daughters. Like most people I spent my single life trying to stay in shape primarily to look attractive to the opposite sex. That and not being laughed at when an amorous situation arises. I survived. I passed. I made it through unscathed. Leave it to me to wait until I have kids to be faced with that humiliation. This morning I was taking a shower, one of the only times I can be alone with my thoughts mind you, and was enjoying the solitude of a carefree, babyless moment. It was glorious. Everything was going fine too. Washed hair, luffa’d the back, scrubbed the heels, even gave the undercarraige a bit of a how’s your father. Basically a 12 minute mini spa escape. Ahhhh.

Now we have a sort of Euro sensibility about nudity in our family. But to have my daughter walk into the bathroom as I am exiting the shower to subject me with her pointing and laughing followed by a running away squeal brought me to an all time low. I am now looking into gym memberships.

 

Luuuuuuke I am you faaaaather

If ever there was a perfect time for a company to send me a fan to review it was now. This week has been beyond Africa hot in LA. It has been ef’n balls hot. As in, the Mojave. On fire. With gasoline being poured on you by Gisselle Bunchin… in a bikini. Yeah, that hot. So while the mercury rises and we all accumulate an unhealthy level of duck butter in our nether regions, I choose to sit in the stream of the ridiculously cool, space age-y Dyson Air Multiplier™ which it so happens is perfectly aimed right at my face while I type this.

I have been a fan (see what I did there?) of Dyson products ever since I first got our vacuum that “never loses suction… ever.” I mean, how badass is a vacuum when even the coolest of hipsters comment on it when they come into your house? “Dude, is that a Dyson?” So when I saw that the genius of James Dyson had now focused his attention on the archaic design of the household room fan, I knew I had to get my hands on one. Ok ok, I’m a guy and we all know guys love gizmos, so sue me. But besides the obvious cool factor of owning such an incredibly designed product, I got to thinking about how, as a new parent, this is actually a really incredible device for more reasons other than bragging rights.

First off the look. I think I’ve made it abundantly clear on how sleek the design is. This looks less like some appliance that clutters your room, and more like a piece you got in the MOMA store while wandering through SoHo. Even in the cooler months of winter you wouldn’t feel the need to tuck this away in a closet, no sir. You could display it proudly if only to have as a yuppie conversation piece until summer rolls round once more. The second thing I noticed was how quiet it is. Of course the highest setting produced a louder hum as would be expected, but still much quieter, as well as less unsettling than a regular fan’s flutter.

Now for the most important aspect of the Dyson Air Multiplier. Safety. Having twin daughters that means I have two little sets of hands that are immediately attracted to anything moving. And even though the Air Multiplier shoots out 119 gallons of air per second in a smooth, steady flow, there are no visible moving parts for teeny fingers to get caught in. Big plus for us parents with an adversity to emergency rooms. I even let my little ones play with the fan with full confidence that no injuries would occur. Although I don’t think I could speak for the fan. I quickly had to move it up out of reach as the giggle fits that ensued were immediately followed by rambunctious monkey business that would have surely broken this new piece of  consumer based jet engine technology.

In summary, I highly recommend this fan for any household with children. Long gone are the clunky designs, and annoying buffeting feeling we get from the classic noisy model of fans. Now we enjoy the cool, sleek design of yet another amazing result from the oddly forward thinking kids at Dyson. The only thing I could say that is a strike against the Air Multiplier would be the price. Starting at $299 for the 10″ table model and going up from there, this fan might be only for true design aficionados and cool stuff fetishists. The only area I see that traditional blade technology fans might have Dyson beat is the countless hours of fun one might have pressing their lips to the grill and talking in that cool Darth Vader voice. Which of course I know absolutely nothing about.

Probably the coolest product video I’ve watched in a long time

Death to Barney

I thought that horrendous purple blob was off the air? I thought that by the time I had kids shows like Barney and the Telletubbies would be gone. I was wrong. Well, the Telletubbies seem to be gone the way of the Do-Do bird, but much to my chagrin Barney is still alive and kicking. His stupid voice. His dumb smile. His alligator arms. Everything. I. Hate. Barney. This, a horrible reminder upon me waking this morning. My wife was up with the kids before me and as I got out of bed I could hear his voice

Give me Sesame Street any day of the week. It’s classic. Even though my kids will never know who Mr. Hooper is, it’s still the best kids programming on the air. And then came Elmo. Even though Elmo has that high pitched whiny voice that would send most parents into the fetal position, I can’t help but love him. Mostly because he isn’t Barney.

Now don’t even get me started on Caillou. In my opinion, if you want your kid to be a pussy then let him watch Caillou. I could go on for quite some time on the woes of programming that is in place for children today but I digress. I grew up in a time of Thundercats, Tom and Jerry and the classic Looney Toons gang. I mean come on, The Rabbit Of Seville? Please.

Thank God for DVD. I am currently purchasing all the classics to building a library of what I believe is the best in kids shows. Anything to avaid my girls having to watch the crap they call kids programming today.

Nuff said.

Babynista

These are some cool products we have either seen or bought for our girls. We love them because they are not only super stylish and cool, but well made too. Because lets be honest people. Most baby clothes are horrendous unless you go to some chi chi boutique. And who wants to pay $50 for a shirt for a one year old?

Gucio Shoes

Polish shoe designer and new dad Slawomir Piwowarczyk saw the digging and blistering effects of the average shoe on his own toddler’s feet, he set out to design the world’s most perfect, unisex shoe for little walkers. These are amazing shoes. They not only help the munchkins walk better, but they look like super dope Clark style desert boots.

Check their website.


Baby Jogger – City Select

This stroller is uh-ma-zing. I know how everyone and their dog, including me before I learned we were having twins, wants the ever so trendy and effing expensive Bugaboo stroller. But the Baby Jogger City Select puts any bugaboo to shame in my opinion. Especially if you have twins. Why? One word. Sixteen variations. Ok, that’s two words, but you heard me correctly. The City Select not only comes as a single stroller, but for a little extra you can turn this into a double stroller for twins, or a stroller with a bassinet for a new born and toddler. And like the Bugaboo you can add a foot plate for an older third child to stand while the parent pushes his lazy ass around. You can even get an MP3 accessory that allows you to pump up the jam while you stroll the neighborhood.The best part however is the price. Half of what the Bugaboo costs.

Check the website

BlaBla Dolls

BlaBla dolls are superwickedawesome with a capital $. But in my opinion, totally worth every penny. I guess you get what you pay for though. Where as it seems that everything made in America is actually made in China with cheap plastci and lead, Blabla dolls are hand knit plush dolls made in Peru by actual Peruvian artisans with only the highest quality fiberswhich are growin in, you guessed it, Peru. They make for ultra soft and cuddly creatures that kids LOVE. The best part is they have sizes from key chain to giant size. But those hold a hefty price tag of $400 smackeroos. Yikes!

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