Archive Page 2

ooze ‘n ahhh-choo’s

My house is a festering petri dish of snot. We recently took a trip up to Canada to visit family for the long weekend as well as celebrate my little angels 1st year. Needless to say the flight up was absolute hell but luckily we got a whole two rows to our self for the return flight making it slightly less hellish. However the party we had for the girls really made the trip worth while. We even let them have a little birthday cake ( please don’t tell the new age hippy moms)

I don’t know how many of you partake in air travel, but I’m sure you don’t need me to tell you how Airplanes are nothing short of a cylinder of ebola. Do they ever clean these things? So now of course we are all sick. Well the girls and I are sick. The missus is fine as she seems to have the immune system of a Beluga whale.  She gets the lucky job of taking care of all three of us, and if you ask her I am the biggest baby of the bunch. Whateves man.

So the weekend came and went and I haven’t really left the house for three days. THREE DAYS! I am losing my mind because the weekends usually mean that I am off duty and I get some freedom that my weekdays tend not to relinquish. My advice to all of you traveling through the sky, bring disinfectant wipes. Sure you may look a little like a paranoid victim of OCD, but it sure beats mid day weekend television and ten thousand bowls of noodle soup.

40 hours of labor

The best part about being up in Canada during the labor day weekend? Grandmas and Grandpas taking over all baby duties. Ahhhhhh.

Clear skies with a chance of AHHHHHHHH!

For years I was that guy on the plane who dreaded being sat next to a baby. If it weren’t for the advent of noise canceling headphones air travel would have been kept to a minimum in my life. Then I had kids, and now I am that guy. The look on the faces of the passengers when we walked up to the gate seemed oddly similar to the look I probably had on my face when I found out I was having twins.

Long story short, this was by far the-worst-travel-day-I-have-EVER-had. Ever. Everyone always says to just rub a little whiskey on their gums, that it will mellow them out and subside any pain they might be feeling. So I ordered two little bottles of Johnny Walker, both of which went quickly into my mouth. I don;t know about my girls gums, but my temperment soon became more relaxed.

Lesson to all parents who plan to travel with one year olds. Just get drunk. It makes the flight that much easier.

Raising Arizona

If this wasn’t so accurate I might laugh.

Sympathy… wait…

I’m jealous of my wife’s boobs. There I said it. It’s not that I wish I had a set, but more of what they are capable of. You see dear reader, my wife gave birth to our girls almost a year ago and currently weighs a buck-o-five… actually more like a buck. And this is after gaining 45lbs during pregnancy. I don’t even want to begin discussing how much I gained.

Now like most men I turn a head when a pregnant woman walks by. Something about the whole vessel of life thing I imagine. They just look, well, amazing. At least in Hollywood they do. I imagine there still are some women who completely let themselves go, eating Ben and Jerry’s like it’s a contest while lounging in bad cut off sweat pants and watching Oprah. But can you blame them? They have a “beast” inside of them literally eating everything they can consume. I can’t even begin to imagine.

But I’ve gotten off topic.  My wife’s boobs. Right, I am jealous. But please, allow me to clarify. You see my wife all of a sudden has a sweet tooth. Which I guess means I too have a sweet tooth. She tends to come home with cartons of ice cream or boxes of doughnuts as a, what does she call it, a treat? A treat is a Twix,  plowing through either of these and washing it down with a family pack of the Colonel’s original recipe and not batting an eye is just plain evil. Because after all she won’t gain a pound. In fact she will probably lose weight while eating. I however…

Most would tell me to simply refrain. Use will power. Not eat the treats that she brings home. What? You’re kidding right? She just made a batch of chocolate chip cookie topped brownies and you’re telling me to refrain? They are chocolate chip cookie topped brownies man! It would be rude not to at least try them.

I think it’s safe to say that 99.9% of all men fear their spouse will eventually become Jabba The Wife aprés babies, but let me clear something up for you. As long as they are breastfeeding, they won’t. But you will. Quickly. Why? because you are weak. Put a cake in front of a man and he can’t help himself. Oh maybe I’ll wash this down with a beer. I think it’s a primal thing. Probably to replace the empty hole you have in your life from lack of sex. But that is a whole other story.

I guess there is no real point to this post other than stating that I really don’t hate my wife. In fact I adore her. I just hate that I can’t really blame her for this. I can only place blame where it truly belongs. With my kids. Little shits. I keep telling myself that I “have to get back on the program”. Yeah right. Who am I kidding? I’m a father now. Don’t I owe it to mine to at least start looking like him.

I am an infidel… I guess

When I first saw this clip I was kind of mad. I thought to myself, what is it with religious people on TV and their incessant need to be douchebags? Then I calmed down and saw how funny this actually was. Here is this bloated, fat, ignorant ponce telling people what is right and what is wrong with their lives as according to the bible. Who listens to this guy and actually thinks he knows what’s up? Stupid people that’s who. Apparently this pork chops flock of seagulls failed to point out to their leader the woes of sloth and gluttony. Two deadly sins of which he so whole heartedly subscribes to. And how about the women in the audience? One might think that they might notice that this palooka is also insulting them. because according to him, to be a stay at home parent means that you are lazy and a bum. Of course in my case he’s right. I’m not gonna lie, it’s noon and I’m still in my pajamas. But ladies please, stand up and fight back. Fight back for all of us at home mommy and daddies who can’t fight for themselves.

Now if you’ll excuse me I have to sign off. Oprah’s on.

The vagina is not a clown car

I don’t like to judge people for their choices in life, but… these people are f#@*ing retards. This morning while standing in line at the grocery store I saw a magazine which on the cover had a photo of the Duggars holding their latest member of the growing football team of a family that they have been breeding for like, the past 20 years or something. Am I the only one disgusted by this? Should there be a law as to how many children one couple can have before you start to look like you have mental issues? At what point does a woman stop having children before her bikini parts begin to look less like a flower and more like a ham sandwich? I don’t know who to feel more sorry feel more sorry for, her, or her husband. Imagine the prospect of throwing your pencil down that hallway every day. I shudder at the thought. But he sure was all smiles on the cover of this magazine so who knows? Maybe he knows something we don’t.

Generally I feel if you don’t have the means to care for this many children I think a ban might be in order. Or a cap. Like professional sports puts on athletes salaries. I know I know, this sounds like communist China, but just because you CAN have this many kids doesn’t always mean you should. Is there a contest going on somewhere that I am not aware of? This is not to say I would even enter but… what’s the prize? Like those eating contests you see on the news, you just have to shake your head and ask yourself… Why?

Over the past 5 years we have become familiar with John and Kate, Octomom, and of course the Duggar’s. So who is to blame, these attention hungry morons or us, the idiots who are glued to the TV to watch them week after week. I have to blame reality TV for this one. You give an idiot a stage… It’s so horrific that you shouldn’t watch it, but it’s so damn hard to look away. Almost like those video’s you see on the internet of some guy getting killed on a motorcycle by a dump truck that just ran a red light.

I guess the bottom line is that as long as your kids are clothed, fed, have a roof over their heads, provided an education, and not sucking off of the welfare teat, then who are we to decide when you should stop overpopulating the Earth? In the Duggar’s case they see it as God’s gift. However if there were a God, I could only imagine how sore his eyes must be from rolling them every time he looks at this insane clown posse.